Scary stuff

This morning, I woke up and instead of getting up, like I usually do, I decided to lay in bed and see if I could go back to sleep. I had had a rough night with a lot of 'awakenings' and I didn't feel really good, so I decided the sleep would do me good. Mistake....
I had the worst dream. As always, when I go to give words to my dream, I don't have the vocabulary to truely describe the feelings, textures and nuiances of the dream. But, the gist was this: Alex decided to turn his back on me and my authority. I went to pick him up from school (although it wasn't a school I had ever been in) and when I called him to come with me, he totally ignored me. No amount of calling, cajoling, screaming or threatening could get him to come with me. He was declaring his independence in loud silence. I found that he had been doing things that I had expressly forbidden (pimping his bike...which is funny in that he doesn't even have a bike) and riding gas powered skateboards. He refused to even acknowledge my presence. Finally, in desperation, I told him I would cancel his cell phone. He turned to me and said, "go ahead, you can't MAKE me do anything" and tossed it into the bushes. At that point I relized that he had discovered my secret. He was right. I can't force anyone to do anything. I can make it lucrative to obey, or miserable to disobey, but ultimately, personal choice will prevail.

There was more to the dream, including me sneaking into a high security room and hiding something under the PE equipment, and airplanes, but as dreams go, that part was very disjointed. I just remember feeling a small triumph that I had put something of his in a place he couldn't access it. Hollow victory.
I drug myself out of my sleep, and my first waking thought was "it was a dream, it was just a dream", but curiously, I found myself really sad as I got up to begin my day. I realized that, just as in my dream, there is a very real possibility that my boys will turn against the very fabric of my beliefs and philosophies. There may come a day when they chose to say to me, "you can't MAKE me do anything". Now, my conscious mind says, "that's personal choice, and my joy is not dependent on their actions or attitudes" but deep down, I know I will be shaken to the core if and when that happens.
Perhaps this was a spin off on last night's post, but it was a shocking jolt into reality. It made me feel a more pressing need to pray protection around them, build relationship with them, and indoctrinate them into the word of God, so that even if they chose to turn their backs, they won't forget. Perhaps this is Satan's way of trying to steal my joy. We learned in church last week that
Satan always attacks through our weakest point, and that is often through our children. We also learned that we have to surrender them to God, as we do ourself.
So, Lord, they're yours. Bring them up in your knowledge. Let me be a wise steward of the time you've given us together. Protect them, and let them see, with clarity, Satan's tricks. Pursue them relentlessly, and bring them home.